"lief me alone" (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
reidentify) wrote2017-08-12 09:57 pm
reidentify) wrote2017-08-12 09:57 pm
Entry tags:
week 1 ( saturday );
[... Lief doesn't know what to say, or to think, or to feel—nothing but cold fury now, and a drive to see the Chiefs pay for this. (They should have done better.) Other than that, emptiness. Still, he knows whatever he's feeling right now must pale into comparison to others; to one person, in particular.
Wherever Akira is, Lief will be seeking him out, not long after the end of the trial.]
... Akira...?
Wherever Akira is, Lief will be seeking him out, not long after the end of the trial.]
... Akira...?
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once he gets out of the longhouse, he's just kind of slumped against a tree. he felt his legs go weak more than once through this day, but the final blow of the chiefs being responsible directly—a personal attack on him, really.
that, and yato—their choices, his own outbursts...
it's a lot.
he definitely is taking time to get his bearings before he does anything else... though really, it's probably not surprising that someone would see him here like this.]
Oh. Hey.
[is he trying to numb his feelings a bit for the time being? yeah, maybe.]
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[It's an underwhelming response, but.
... Lief really can't blame Akira for trying to numb his feelings, considering that's generally how he himself copes with them. Still...
He steps forward, a little uncertain—and, well. Don't mind the hug, Akira, even if the tree's somewhat in the way.]
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well, kind of baffled. this is the second hug he's gotten today? people don't hug him? he's not used to people caring about his well-being or looking out for him, so he's really, exceptionally not used to people legitimately worrying about him on this level.
especially after only a week.]
Lief...? [??? he's not pulling away but he's definitely bewildered.]
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[For the mess that was this trial today, really.
Lief has been told here that it's foolish to worry about or care for people this early on—or that it's strange, rather. Lief can't empathize with that sentiment, because for him, it's only natural.]
... You seemed like you needed one.
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[that the "correct" answer was to scapegoat someone. that they were destined to fail, and akira could never truly get what he wants from haru's death—
the chiefs are never going to feel remorse, after all. there will never be a change of heart for the ones who are so heartless.
but akira returns the gesture—albeit a bit awkwardly. they're similar in a lot of ways; they care too much for others, even when they know it'll cause them pain, because they can't not care, even now.]
I'm used to not getting them. [what is affection in his life, we just don't know.]
But... I appreciate it. [honestly. he's having a much harder time than he lets on which.
is probably impressive with how much he's shown in the last couple of days.]
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[It's not news, but a reaffirmation of what they were already aware of. Perhaps, though, they didn't realize just how much, at least consciously, or else they would've been more prepared.
... It's sad to hear that Akira isn't used to this. Lief can't entirely imagine, as someone who grew up amidst love, if nothing else. He's glad, at least, that Akira doesn't consider it an overstep of boundaries, since Lief knows he didn't exactly ask.]
May the people here give you a reason for that to change.
[In other words, he's hoping he's not the only one giving Akira a hug tonight, because really, Akira deserves all of them. ]
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but akira won't treat it as an overstepping of boundaries. it's a gesture of kindness that akira completely understands, even if he's not used to being on the receiving end of it. he's a pretty easy-going person in a lot of ways, so he can't be too bothered by that.]
I won't expect too much. I'm sure some people would rather stab me after today.
[s h r u g.
who knows how akira can say that after he literally go crowded by people checking up on him during the trial, but maybe it's also telling of how little he thinks of himself in certain respects. who knows?]
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Taking in a breath, he pulls away. Calmly, he says,]
I had Yato say to my face that he did not like me and made Newt upset with me for what he perceived to be an accusation towards Hiro. I asked my partner if she would risk death so that I could test a theory and I accidentally ended up voting for an innocent person.
We must all deserve to be stabbed, in that case.
[Do not blame yourself.]
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I lost my head a few times. That's... not like me at all. It's something that would have alarmed Haru if she'd seen it.
[he's a little upset with himself for it. akira's not the sort to dwell on regrets, but he's never experience this brand of personal trauma. it's just affecting him.]
I don't think you did anything wrong, either. [the theory testing probably wasn't wise, but if akira had been in a better frame of mind, he probably would have gone along with it too because they needed to know what would happen.]
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He knows that telling Akira not to hold it against himself (even if he's thinking that) won't do a thing, since Akira won't listen any more than Lief would listen if told that, so instead he says,]
Then, if you feel that way, do better from here. If Haru is watching [as spirits in his world have watched Lief], then act in a way you believe would make her proud. So grieve, as I do not think she would have wanted you to kill yourself inside, and then—be the person she came to be friends with.
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that's a very obvious thing to him. lief is right—he needs to behave in a way that would make her proud. that would make the phantom thieves proud.
he has to rise against the bullshit somehow. as joker, as leader of the phantom thieves—he has to be the leader and friend that he knows she cared so much about.]
Yeah. [there's not even an argument there.] I let my feelings get the better of me.
[he pauses.] I... was the one everyone turned to for stability. Haru, especially. [she leaned on him and counted on his steady approach so often.]
Without them— [the phantom thieves, his friends, haru and everyone else who really matters...] I lost my footing for a bit.
[it just means he has to learn from it.
do better.
support everyone else, because this is going to get more difficult, and everyone else is going to need support just as much as he's needed it this weekend.]
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[He doesn't want to see anyone break in this place.]
Of course, do not forget that we are here if you need support. But do not let this place warp you.
[...]
If anything, to remain true to who you are, and to never give in to the very end—perhaps that would frustrate the Chiefs more than anything else. At the very least, it is a start.
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right.
somehow, he still has to find a way to do that, no matter how trying that may feel at times. especially now, more than ever.]
Anything to frustrate them. To take away the satisfaction they're looking for—I don't want to give them any of it.
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[He pauses, and then, in contrast to his determined tone, his next words are softer.]
... Akira. [...] If you would not mind, would you tell me about Haru—what sort of person she was like? Not why she was chosen, or anything like that, but her life as you knew it.
Only if it would help, though. If it would bring you pain, then of course, you need not say anything.
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[he says quietly, a bit softer himself.]
It's a little hard because... I don't usually have to talk about people that way. [at length.
but isn't that obvious? akira's a pretty quiet guy for the most part. he knows how to converse, but generally seems to be pretty concise and doesn't speak up all that much unless he really feels like he has to.]
Other people have asked though. I'm glad—people want to know more about her.
[she's a person worthy of that, after all.]
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[Because that's definitely on the table if Akira needs another one.]
I wish I had been able to speak with her more. She seemed like a very caring person.
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[he laughs, a bit weak and awkward as he holds up a hand. he probably needs a hundred hugs, but he's not going to seek them out.]
But you're right. About Haru... she was warm and very caring.
[a short pause:]
Very gentle and considerate of other people's feelings. But not docile; she didn't want to be someone who had no agency at all. She had a fire and a rebellious streak because she wanted to carve her own path and help others while doing it.
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She had a lot of support. I did my best to encourage her too, whenever I could.